Rules of engagement, 1 on 1

The ones we love, closest to us, have the benefit of sharing our good points and enduring our bad ones. Intimacy is a two-edged sword – we love, we argue, we smell…
Psychological research constantly explores this realm, and here is a summary of 3 pieces of research to trigger some thought, workplace conversation and even humour.

Do birds of a feather flock together in China?
Is it really true that we marry our opposites? Perhaps we like or need the differences, both the admiration and the arguments they create, to keep us interested? Is marrying our ’soul mate’ the same as marrying someone a lot like ourselves?

What does research say is the criteria people use to marry? 3 factors dominate – demographic/social background, values and personality.

Is this true universally? For 2 out of 3 factors it seems to be – except for personality. It’s a common Western experience to marry their opposites – but Chen, Luo, Yue, Xu & Zhaoyang, (2009) have found that Chinese couples have a consistent and strong tendency to select similar personality types.

Are Serial Arguments your personal groundhog day?:
How many of us find that in our close relationships, we argue about the same things over and over, and in the same way? Serial arguments have a pattern before, during and after they occur. The authors found that there are several influencing factors: the belief whether it is resolvable, the importance of the issue at stake, arguing tactics, how much we stew over the argument before during and after it, and the motivation to argue (to win/lose, or gain the benefit(s)).

Why do we argue about things that don’t matter, that we believe we can’t resolve, using dirty tactics, replay it over and over in our minds, and then hide our real motivations?

To break out of an unhelpful pattern of arguing, engage in what systems thinking calls ‘double loop learning’. Reflect on the last argument, and then find a pattern amongst the last (say) 5 arguments (when, where, about what, how did they start, or finish etc).

Focus on the process, pay less attention to what they are about - this is often irrelevant. And don’t just review the big arguments, consider the small ones as well, where a spark is easily lit. I like this Chinese expression - máquè suī xiăo, gāndăn jù quán - 麻雀虽小肝胆俱全 - small as it is, the sparrow has all the vital organs - even small disputes will display a consistent process or pattern.

If you do this self reflection, you might make some new rules for yourself: concede on issues that don’t matter, don’t start arguments you believe you can’t finish, play clean (e.g. no personal attacks, stick with single issues), forget it once it’s done (kiss and make-up even), and be honest with yourself about what you (really) want.

Intimacy and Smell:
It’s a common event around our home, that our pet dog loves nothing better than to sleep on a pile of our dirty clothes (go figure). So when I stumbled across this item I just had to include it.

Do you ever smell the clothes of people close to you, especially while you are apart?
Shoup, Streeter and McBurney (2009) asked 128 people if they had ever intentionally smelled another person’s clothing, slept with another person’s clothing because of its smell, or given another person an article of their own clothing.
The answer is – women do it more often than men, and with more people. The romantic partner is most common, followed by family members.

Not everything about our relationships has to be understood mentally. Our instincts, our animal nature is still something to appreciate regardless of how ‘civilised’ we become. The sense of smell is a powerful emotional anchor, a lover’s perfume, the smell of fresh bread, a good wine, aromatherapy are wonderful pleasures.

One of the funnier Human Resources problems that come up from time to time is the complaint - “I work with a person who ’stinks’! How can I tell them to shower more often….?” Feedback with empathy can work wonders. Its real, could become discriminatory, but in the end, you have to laugh!
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Relationships are the basis of all companies, and the best relationships have elements of intimacy one way or another, whether its sharing a meal, close personal space, or letting others see your emotions.

Since reviewing the research on smelling clothes, I’ve seen the sense of smell portrayed on tv as someone in the process of falling in love. Research like this opens our eyes to what is going on around us. What will you start to notice now, about your teams, your arguments, your life partner?

When events in your (work) life are confusing, executive coaching can help you name these observations and plan some responses. Click here if you would like to talk something through.