I sat through an interview once, hardly saying a word. I was patient, respectful, listening. The curious part: it was a job interview and I was the applicant. I did not have to say anything - just be courteous - and finally I was offered the job.
This scenario describes the common use of “gut feel” in interviewing. Presumably, this manager saw on my resume enough technical skill and experience to warrant being selected, and I demonstrated enough courtesy to promote a good feeling between us. I could see it was going well, I chose to stay quiet.
What do you think… should I have taken the job? Should I have been offered the job?
This may be a good example of courtesy being too important, where the manners are considered more important than the content or substance of the discussion. All decisions have an emotional value, and courtesy is good at creating this. This also describes the potential power of courtesy, creating a personal connection that moves the relationship forward even before there is a content exchange.
Generally, people understand the principles of courtesy and building rapport. We all know it is important. However, when I observe negotiations in action, it is common to see the opening phase of a negotiation skimmed, rushed through and under-appreciated. “Hey, nice to meet you, nice day, here’s what I want.” An example is the ’spamming’ of business cards at networking events, esp. in China, where business cards can be thrust at people, left, right and centre, and before anyone has had the chance to exchange a “hello” or introduction.
When rehearsing negotiations, and when pressed into making sure the opening moves are done thoroughly, it is clear people have the skills – they know how, they can do it. But finding the balance is harder. Under pressure of time and multiple distractions, people can either skip it or dwell in it. It is visible through who does the talking, and through the types of questions asked (or not asked).
We might say in my recruitment example that I showed proper courtesy. I listened, I smiled and nodded. However what impact did the interviewer’s behaviour have on me – of constantly talking, of not asking me any questions? If I am honest, I felt I was treated quite impersonally. They were thinking aloud, not having a conversation. The job was quite good, however if this behaviour was an insight into their leadership style and the company culture, I could imagine quite a passive working experience without much freedom for creativity. (I did not take the job).
It serves as a good example of how the process of our interaction is a much stronger indicator of a relationship than the content. How we greet each other, how we take time to listen to the other person first, how we pace ourselves in timing with the other person in discussions and body language – these are the deep relationship-builders that help handle any content. They are under-valued and only require the determination to implement them – to make your own mind quiet in order to fully engage with what the other party is saying and doing. It is like doing a good deed.
Working cross-culturally especially requires a new set of customs to learn, but the fundamental courtesies are common to all people. I came across this expression on a lintel over a doorway in an ancient Chinese village, Dongxun, near Suzhou, China recently:
世德何求 - shì dé hé qíu - if you have done so many good deeds, you do not require any other character.
Let common courtesies be the cornerstone of your business dealings. Start well to finish well.