It may surprise you to know that “courtesy” is a very common coaching agenda. Anger management may be more familiar as a coaching topic. Using anger, losing one’s temper, is an emotional extreme – usually a very clear absence of courtesy.
What is the opposite of anger? You might expect it to be an equally extreme, positive opposite – like joy for example. Actually, indifference is its opposite - or lack of relational maintenance. All relationships require it. When there is no maintenance, when even courtesy is difficult to come by, the relationship silently suffocates. Lost courtesy is one of the poisonous indicators of indifference. Courtesy maintains relationships.
If I asked you whether men or women needed coaching around courtesy more, how would you answer?
Yes, it is the confident, intelligent and achieving “Alpha Male” who is most vulnerable to a lack of courtesy. He chases the thrill of success, unfortunately often at the expense of the behaviours that maintain relationships. This may seem not so hard to understand - big job, quick thinking, pressure decisions, and some colleagues who cannot cope with a tactless, leadership style. Falling into angry outbursts lies at the deep end of this challenge, but common courtesies can be the first casualties. How can you be a tough leader and retain a sense of courtesy and respect towards those around you? And why should you make the effort?
The rational thinking style that demands and delivers quick results can be so task focused that curiosity about people and their feelings can seem unimportant. Some executives may think, “employees get paid on results, not smiles”. When the pressure builds up, they can put the “pedal to the metal” and drive people as if they were machines. Machines do not need courtesy.
The trouble is this approach is successful, to an extent. Jobs get done, results achieved and promotions gained. The reason: the Alpha Male style works for middle managers. In broad terms, they oversee processes, drive company systems and guarantee implementation. W.E. Deming said processes deliver 94% of results. So why bother with courtesy?
Often, when Alphas get promoted, then the problems start. The role of Senior Managers is less about doing and more about inspiring – additional skills are needed – courtesy an absolute minimum. Suddenly, what got managers promoted (e,g, technical skills, driving systems) is not successful anymore – people are not inspired and motivated, and angry outbursts may become more common. Some people can be slow to forgive, and why should they?
Alphas often require skilled coaching because one side effect of the ‘big’ style they use is that it is hard to admit to being wrong or asking for help. And when they get feedback, they are poor at receiving it – stubborn and resistant, and it is hard for colleagues and team members to risk a backlash if challenging these behaviours. Often the offending lack of courtesy is small, but the impact is large.
The challenge is building their weaknesses, without distracting Alphas from their strengths or their focus on results - which is what they ultimately are hired for. They simply need to improve the relationships they use to achieve those results.
Does this mean that coaching is the answer to these problems? In coaching, we lead the coachee through their scenarios, helping them learn to see reactions, perceive emotions and then project some consequences. Most managers are so busy, that it is this reflective work that is most easily neglected. Coaching works because it becomes a disciplined self-reflection, a conversation with someone who has insight, and a chance to break out of automatic reactions into more thoughtful and productive ones.
To reduce angry outbursts, coaching is one solution. But prevention is better right? So we end up again at courtesy –the building block to good, long-term relationships. If you are young and commencing your corporate career, the people you meet on the way up may also be the people you meet on the way out. If they remember you with the same courtesy you showed to them – will that be a good thing or a bad thing? If you are in the middle or nearing the end of your career, lifelong learning suggests it is not too late to learn new tricks, or to remember them.
If you need help, an external, experienced coach may be a good first step.